Surviving every day is by grace
Dec 7
I think after all of these, I will be a stronger person. No amount of issues or heartaches can match what I (we) am going through right now. After these, all other pain and suffering will be more like a small speck and will no longer matter. I will just shrug it off and will no longer skip a heart beat or lose sleep. Everything else will be senseless.
Dec 8
I don't know what to pray for. My selfish side would want to hold on to Papa as long as I can. But my other side would want him to rest. I wanted to know what he thinks, I want him to make a gesture, appear in my dream. Any sign will do. I don't want to decide.
I wanted him so badly to stay, to spend Christmas with us, see the house completey finished. To see all his dreams coming true. But I feel like I may be asking too much. But if I lose hope, it's like losing hope in God. He have always surprised me with so much gifts, why think that He can't give it now. Why doubt now?
Dec 9
I need to understand my pain in order to address my feeling.
Why do I cry?
- Aside for the obvious reason that it's because a loved one is suffering, I cry because of fear. But what do I really fear?
- I don't fear losing funds, because I know we can find ways.
- I fear that if this is goodbye, I or we may not be prepared for it.
- I fear the thought of missing him everyday, of not being able to cope up
I also feel sad
- I feel sad for Mama having to be all alone
- I feel sad because I have done and have tried to accomplish many things for him and yet he may not be there to see it.
On the positive side:
- I am not invincible, I am not immune to pain. Everybody goes through this cross and pain at one point or another. Who am I to be spared?
- When I enjoyed the blessings before, abundantly, some I may not deserve, I did not ask, "Why me?" I just received it wholeheartedly.
- If I'm going to ask myself why things happened like this. Like this is not fair and/or the timing is not right. I have no right to say that. I am not God, and there are really certain things beyond our understanding. But I just have to trust fully, believing that He will not forsake us, and will sustain us.
This too shall pass. For the meantime, I will not give up. I will persevere. I will not let depression get the best of me.
Dec 11
Few days before, these was my train of thought.
- What does Papa wants? Does he still wants to live? Or is he giving up?
- How do we want to treat this? How does my brothers feel about this?
I sort of refused to ask God what His plan was. I somehow assumed that even if I ask, He will not give me a straight answer.
But this morning, during the Gaudete Sunday Mass, He gave me His thoughts through the reading and the Gospel.
- Rejoice!
- Pray without ceasing
- In everything, be grateful
This was His response, to pray without ceasing. The priest told through his homily further, rejoicing does not end thru happy times alone. Rejoicing in bad times involves a lot of faith. And this is what I need, lots of faith. Everyday, I have to fuel myself with twice as much faith. One for me and one for Mama.
How do I fill my faith cup? No matter how full it is, it drains the moment I step inside the ICU.
- pray the rosary
- attend mass everyday
- think positive
- think and talk happy thoughts
- minimize crying
- count blessings
- be thankful for every littlest blessings
Everything is by grace.
St. Paul tells the Thessalonian Christians to rejoice always. This is not always easy as many things happen to make us sad and cause us pain. Yet we know that in all things God is at work for our good and, on the basis of faith in God’s love and care for us, we can rejoice.
"Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus."
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-24
Isaiah 61:1-2, 10-11
1 The spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me; he has sent me to bring glad tidings to the lowly, to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and release to the prisoners, 2 to announce a year of favor from the LORD and a day of vindication by our God. 10 I rejoice heartily in the LORD, in my God is the joy of my soul; for he has clothed me with a robe of salvation, and wrapped me in a mantle of justice, like a bridegroom adorned with a diadem, like a bride bedecked with her jewels. 11 As the earth brings forth its plants, and a garden makes its growth spring up, so will the Lord GOD make justice and praise spring up before all the nations.
Dec 12
Too tired to even think. If I can sleep tonight, it will be a blessing.
I think after all of these, I will be a stronger person. No amount of issues or heartaches can match what I (we) am going through right now. After these, all other pain and suffering will be more like a small speck and will no longer matter. I will just shrug it off and will no longer skip a heart beat or lose sleep. Everything else will be senseless.
Dec 8
I don't know what to pray for. My selfish side would want to hold on to Papa as long as I can. But my other side would want him to rest. I wanted to know what he thinks, I want him to make a gesture, appear in my dream. Any sign will do. I don't want to decide.
I wanted him so badly to stay, to spend Christmas with us, see the house completey finished. To see all his dreams coming true. But I feel like I may be asking too much. But if I lose hope, it's like losing hope in God. He have always surprised me with so much gifts, why think that He can't give it now. Why doubt now?
Dec 9
I need to understand my pain in order to address my feeling.
Why do I cry?
- Aside for the obvious reason that it's because a loved one is suffering, I cry because of fear. But what do I really fear?
- I don't fear losing funds, because I know we can find ways.
- I fear that if this is goodbye, I or we may not be prepared for it.
- I fear the thought of missing him everyday, of not being able to cope up
I also feel sad
- I feel sad for Mama having to be all alone
- I feel sad because I have done and have tried to accomplish many things for him and yet he may not be there to see it.
On the positive side:
- I am not invincible, I am not immune to pain. Everybody goes through this cross and pain at one point or another. Who am I to be spared?
- When I enjoyed the blessings before, abundantly, some I may not deserve, I did not ask, "Why me?" I just received it wholeheartedly.
- If I'm going to ask myself why things happened like this. Like this is not fair and/or the timing is not right. I have no right to say that. I am not God, and there are really certain things beyond our understanding. But I just have to trust fully, believing that He will not forsake us, and will sustain us.
This too shall pass. For the meantime, I will not give up. I will persevere. I will not let depression get the best of me.
Dec 11
Few days before, these was my train of thought.
- What does Papa wants? Does he still wants to live? Or is he giving up?
- How do we want to treat this? How does my brothers feel about this?
I sort of refused to ask God what His plan was. I somehow assumed that even if I ask, He will not give me a straight answer.
But this morning, during the Gaudete Sunday Mass, He gave me His thoughts through the reading and the Gospel.
- Rejoice!
- Pray without ceasing
- In everything, be grateful
This was His response, to pray without ceasing. The priest told through his homily further, rejoicing does not end thru happy times alone. Rejoicing in bad times involves a lot of faith. And this is what I need, lots of faith. Everyday, I have to fuel myself with twice as much faith. One for me and one for Mama.
How do I fill my faith cup? No matter how full it is, it drains the moment I step inside the ICU.
- pray the rosary
- attend mass everyday
- think positive
- think and talk happy thoughts
- minimize crying
- count blessings
- be thankful for every littlest blessings
Everything is by grace.
St. Paul tells the Thessalonian Christians to rejoice always. This is not always easy as many things happen to make us sad and cause us pain. Yet we know that in all things God is at work for our good and, on the basis of faith in God’s love and care for us, we can rejoice.
"Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus."
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-24
Isaiah 61:1-2, 10-11
1 The spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me; he has sent me to bring glad tidings to the lowly, to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and release to the prisoners, 2 to announce a year of favor from the LORD and a day of vindication by our God. 10 I rejoice heartily in the LORD, in my God is the joy of my soul; for he has clothed me with a robe of salvation, and wrapped me in a mantle of justice, like a bridegroom adorned with a diadem, like a bride bedecked with her jewels. 11 As the earth brings forth its plants, and a garden makes its growth spring up, so will the Lord GOD make justice and praise spring up before all the nations.
Dec 12
Too tired to even think. If I can sleep tonight, it will be a blessing.
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